Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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