1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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