I cannot find my penis.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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