And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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