dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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