i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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