She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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