My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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