the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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