i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My life is pants optional.
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