My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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