Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize