I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize