Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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