It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
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Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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