You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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