"it" just moved
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
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not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I will pee on everything he values.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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