I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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