Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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