I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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