wrigley field is MILF paradise
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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