I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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