Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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