I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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