umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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