She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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