OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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