John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
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Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
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Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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