I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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