i used baking grease as lip gloss
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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