just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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