Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
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We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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