I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
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I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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