Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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