Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize