My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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