You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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