NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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