Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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