If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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