I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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