apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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