The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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