god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
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Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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