So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
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I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Pooping to opera.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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