I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
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She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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