Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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