How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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