Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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