Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
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Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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